My poor kids have been so confused during this process. Connor (almost 3 years old) loves to snuggle. We will lay on the couch and he will lay his head down on my chest. Poor kid, my chest has no give, so it just props up there. He now when another woman picks him up, he will press on her chest and say "squishy." Wow.... what do you say when your child does that? I can tell you from experience... you're left kind of speechless. Now what is he going to think in another week, I will be back to being squishy. He is going to think my chest has some type of magic powers!
I saw this picture posted by another girl who has had a bilateral mastectomy. I really like it. It is tough sometimes to look in the mirror and see the scars, but I know they will fade and those scars could very well have saved my life.
Having this done has been emotional and I have wrote on this subject before, but I think the toughest emotion is "survivor's guilt." That is the closest I can come up with, that term is generally used for cancer survivors when they have the guilt feeling when they meet someone who does not have the same prognosis. Lately a lot of the women I have connected with on some support groups have written about their own battles with cancer, or one in particular writing about sitting with her sister (who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer with a poor prognosis) while receiving chemotherapy at age 37. I feel so much guilt when I read about these women who are struggling to live and were not given the same chance I had. Hate to get all sappy (I will put my emotions away now) I just have to get it out there.
So I bought myself a pair of Toms before my mastectomy. They worked great, I didn't need to lace them or bend down to put them on. They are perfect to just slip on. Well, Cain has been making fun of me since I got them. He tells me they are prison shoes. I fight back "no, they are not prison shoes, they look nothing like prison shoes. " Not that Cain or I would know, neither one of us have been to prison. So we decided to watch this weird Netflix season "Orange is the New Black." Well in the first 30 minutes of the show, this rich yuppy type girl goes to prison and they hand her the prison issued shoes and she says "These are like my Toms!!!" Ha Ha!!! Cain will not let me forget that!!!Now I do have to live with him calling them my prison shoes.
We went camping this weekend with a great family! Cain and I thought it would be a great idea on Friday night to leave the rain fly off so they boys could look at the stars since there wasn't a rain chance that night. Well at 5:30 Saturday morning, Cain and I shot straight up out of bed and out of the tent after we both got a few rain drops on our face. So yes we had to half asleep place the rain fly on that morning to prevent us from turning our airbeds into rafts!!That was a fun way to start the Saturday. We love to go camping. My back and under arms have been burning most of today, though. My chest is not a fan of air mattresses. I still need to make myself a nest while I sleep and I forgot to take all my pillows I need to use while sleeping, but it was totally worth it!!
Connor's third birthday is 4 days after my surgery. I am feeling nervous that I am not going to feel quite up to par for his birthday, but I should be all right. The Saturday after Connor's birthday we are taking him to Tanganyika Zoo outside! I am getting excited, Connor loves animals and this one seems to have a lot of interactive exhibits. I think Connor is going to love this!
Next time I write should be after my exchange surgery! I can't wait to tell you guys how I feel!!! (probably squishy!!! Hee Hee!)
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