Scars are Sexy

I am one week from my exchange surgery!! I feel like I am getting close to the finish line now.  I am starting to get that nervous feeling you get before surgery, but this is minimal compared to my mastectomy.  It is still weird to say that I have had a mastectomy and I am only 30. Right after surgery when I had to have my incision revision, I had  a quick pre-surgery questionnaire that morning.  The nurse asked me if I had anything metal in my body.  I said "yea I have a surgical clip in my left breast from a needle biopsy from last fall."  He then gave  a weird look and said "well, I guess I will write that down in case they didn't remove it during your mastectomy" Me (who doesn't think before things come out of my mouth) said  "Oh yea, huh.... I don't have my boobs anymore, why would that still be there?"  I just never thought about that until then. 

My poor kids have been so confused during this process.  Connor (almost 3 years old) loves to snuggle.  We will lay on the couch and he will lay his head down on my chest.  Poor kid, my chest has no give, so it just props up there.  He now when another woman picks him up, he will press on her chest and say "squishy."  Wow.... what do you say when your child does that?  I can tell you from experience... you're left kind of speechless.  Now what is he going to think in another week, I will be back to being squishy.  He is going to think my chest has some type of magic powers! 

I saw this picture posted by another girl who has had a bilateral mastectomy.  I really like it.  It is tough sometimes to look in the mirror and see the scars, but I know they will fade and those scars could very well have saved my life.

 

 

 

Having this done has been emotional and I have wrote on this subject before, but I think the toughest emotion is "survivor's guilt."  That is the closest I can come up with, that term is generally used for cancer survivors when they have the guilt feeling when they meet someone who does not have the same prognosis.  Lately a lot of the women I have connected with on some support groups have written about their own battles with cancer, or one in particular writing about sitting with her sister (who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer with a poor prognosis) while receiving chemotherapy at age 37.  I feel so much guilt when I read about these women who are struggling to live and were not given the same chance I had.  Hate to get all sappy (I will put my emotions away now)  I just have to get it out there. 

 

So I bought myself a pair of Toms before my mastectomy.  They worked great, I didn't need to lace them or bend down to put them on.  They are perfect to just slip on.  Well, Cain has been making fun of me since I got them. He tells me they are prison shoes.  I fight back "no, they are not prison shoes, they look nothing like prison shoes. "  Not that Cain or I would know, neither one of us have been to prison.  So we decided to watch this weird Netflix season "Orange is the New Black."  Well in the first 30 minutes of the show, this rich yuppy type girl goes to prison and they hand her the prison issued shoes and she says "These are like my Toms!!!"  Ha Ha!!! Cain will not let me forget that!!!Now I do have to live with him calling them my prison shoes. 

 

We went camping this weekend with a great family!  Cain and I thought it would be a great idea on Friday night to leave the rain fly off so they boys could look at the stars since there wasn't a rain chance that night.  Well at 5:30 Saturday morning, Cain and I shot straight up out of bed and out of the tent after we both got a few rain drops on our face.  So yes we had to half asleep place the rain fly on that morning to prevent us from turning our airbeds into rafts!!That was a fun way to start the Saturday.  We love to go camping.  My back and under arms have been burning most of today, though.  My chest is not a fan of air mattresses.  I still need to make myself a nest while I sleep and I forgot to take all my pillows I need to use while sleeping, but it was totally worth it!!

 

Connor's third birthday is 4 days after my surgery. I am feeling nervous that I am not going to feel quite up to par for his birthday, but I should be all right.  The Saturday after Connor's birthday we are taking him to Tanganyika Zoo outside!  I am getting excited, Connor loves animals and this one seems to have a lot of interactive exhibits. I think Connor is going to love this!

 

Next time I write should be after my exchange surgery!  I can't wait to tell you guys how I feel!!! (probably squishy!!! Hee Hee!) 

 

 

 

 

 

Kid... You are going places

I got my results back from my pelvic ultrasound and my CA-125.  Everything came back normal.  I have another 6 months before I have to do any more screening!!! Yep that's right, I finally am going to start feeling normal instead of feeling like a science experiment.  I also had a MRSA swab today.  I wanted to say.... Let's just treat me like I a carrier so I don't have to get swabbed.  Aren't all nurses carriers?!? So I will have those results early next week.  That won't change much for my actual exchange surgery.  I will just have a different antibiotic given during surgery.  My exchange surgery did get pushed back to August 5th.  I have to be in Overland park by 6 am.  That is going to be an early morning.  We will be leaving here at 3:30.  Yuck!!!  But I will be so excited, it won't matter!!!!

Today while I was driving home from Manhattan, it donned on me that it has been right at a year since I first found out about my BRCA status. That day,   I had just spent the afternoon shopping with Cain. Cain was just about to start working out of town and only home on the weekends, so we decided to spend the day together.  On my drive to go pick up the boys  from day care, I received the call.  I was told when I left the genetic counselor's office that if the nurse called.. I was negative, if the doctor called I was positive.  So I answered the phone and I don't remember much of the call except " Hello Jessie, This is Dr. K......"  I pulled over on a side road (Repp road to be exact) and she talked a little longer and then right before we hung up, I asked her to refer me to a breast surgeon.  I sat there and cried for a while before I got back on the road to go pick up the boys. I was the 6th person (out of 6 tested so far) that was positive.  That is right, at first we had a 100% rate for positive BRCA 2 mutations. Since then there has been some negatives now.   After that day though, I got focused, I focused on what I needed to do to get rid of my risks.  What a year it has been and I am almost done.  A little over 2 weeks and I will be done! Done! Done!!!  Well, unless I decide to have lipo fat grafting done ( I am thinking I may just want the lipo fat grafting, just so I can take care of some of this extra "softness" I have aquired from this inactive winter/spring).  That would be a while down the road after my implants have settled and if I end up with some rippling or something. 

Talking with mom today, she is having a tougher time healing.  She has a seroma on her right side, which has caused a pinpoint opening at her incision that has started draining.  Her left side is just now starting to finally heal.  We had a long conversation on discouraging vs devastating.  This situation by all means is discouraging.  We are just grateful that this discouraging situation isn't a devastating situation where we are dealing with cancer. I couldn't imagine not having my mom to turn to.  Family means everything, don't ever let anything come in the way.  I have grown a lot through this and truly appreciate what is important in life.  And not to let discouraging situations devastate your life.  I have a beautiful family, with 2 perfect boys!!

So I can't believe I almost forgot to say.... We have our house in Florida!!!!  We will be leaving the sunflower state either October 1 or 2. Yes in a little over 10 weeks we are leaving!!!!!  Can't wait for our new adventure!!!!

Another exciting (not BRCA, boobs, or cancer related)  note....... My youngest son is potty trained!  And I have to say, he did it on his own. I wasn't going to start trying until after the move, but he came up to me one afternoon and said "mom, I have to pee!"  Talk about excited!!! He will be 3 in about 3 weeks.  He has been so proud.  Everytime he went pee at first, he would get excited and say "mommy... I make yellow!"  Then I would laugh and hug him and tell him how proud of him I am that he made yellow in the potty.  Well, the other night after he went pee, he looked at me and said "mommy, I make blue!!!" Then, I look at him and say " wow kid... you are going places in this world, because that is talented!"  That has been my interesting life with my almost 3 year old.  This is my child who is going to put me through the ringer.  He is ornery in every way possible. 

I need to come up with something new to talk to about now that this part of my journey is almost over. 

I will update after my surgery!!!  I can't wait to feel like a woman again!