I decided to write my post early this week. I don't go to the doctor until Thursday, but there shouldn't be any change. Get a fill, have spasms...... the usual. One thing, my husband's uncle has offered to drive me to my appointments!! I originally didn't think I would need anyone to drive me to my appointments, my first several fills went great, but my last two have been tough. My husband and I wanted to keep the boys schedule as normal as possible, so we had decided to have him not drive me and I could deal with the pain. I am so excited to have my husband's uncle drive me, I am taking pain medication before my appointment!!! This is a big deal to me. He is going to drive an hour to pick me up, drive us 2 hours to KC and 2 hours back, then he will have to drive another hour home. He is promising me that I am not a burden.
Anyway, on to my title of this blog. I have seen a lot of fellow bloggers write about Angelina Jolie having her prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. My husband told me it is we both have great looking "Brad Pitt" kinda guys. I said "of course honey".... but she has a BRCA mutation also. It is a big decision to make. It is great to see women who have an influence get the word out there. A lot of women do not feel they have this option. They feel this is only available to movie stars "who can have anything they want." This is not the case. My insurance has paid for my surgery/reconstruction process without question.
Us "previvors" have been questioned, judged, etc.... with remarks as "isn't that a bit extreme?" I have mentioned numbers, statistics, blah, blah, blah in other posts. This is how I put it is perspective. If you were told you had a 90% chance of winning the powerball....... would you buy a lottery ticket? Years down the road this may be obsolete. There may be better options out there. Right now I am not waiting on what if's and possibilities of new options that may not come in time. I can't look at my boys and not think I didn't do everything possible to be here for them.
Motherhood = a lot of guilt.... I feel guilty when I don't "cherish every second of motherhood." I feel guilty when I get frustrated and just want a minute of peace and quiet. Nothing was like the guilt I felt the other morning. I was still extremely sore from my last fill and still having spasms. I was asleep Saturday morning, Cain was already awake with boys. Braydin came in to lay down beside me and put his arm acrossed my chest to hug me. I awoke from my sleep in horrible pain and yelled for him to get off. He went down stairs tearful telling Cain that he hurt me. I started crying immediately after I woke up and realized what happened and felt horrible. Braydin is already my sensitive child anyway and then I yelled at him when he was trying to be sweet. I came downstairs crying looking for Braydin (not because of physical pain, but because how bad I felt). By the time I found him, he was ok and playing and moved on. I had him sit on my lap and I tearfully told him how sorry I was. He looked at me with those bright blue eyes and said "it's ok mommy, I love you." He also gave me his blankie to help me feel better. How does that make me feel..... even worse! He is so full of love and trust. I want him to keep that as long as he can.
My friends have been so great and motivational. They cheer me on and cheer me up. I had one friend get a hold of me today saying...... You had this done before it was popular. What can I say I am a trend setter. HA! I love humor. Having a great sense of humor can get you through anything!
Hope you all have a great week!!! See you next week, unless something weird happens before hand!
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